Monday, September 24, 2007
Salam.

Guess when someone is angry.. Anitink can happen. For me. Evrytink happened in a split second. And all i knew. I was crying as if there is no more tomorrow.

Its good to think abt death. Its encouraged. I mean ppl die one day. But.. Still cant believe how much a pain would cost.

This Ramadhan. Has been so.. I donno how to explain my feelings.. Its just that. I feel so mixed. n confused..

I didnt know whom I should turn to. Only God is my resort.. I dont wanna bother my fwenz with my stupid stories. N so i blogged. N little did i realise.. This is like an international blogger. Dont ever let ur emotions get control of u. If not u wont realise wat u've been writing.. For goodness sake. Some things are just meant to be kept private lah eh. Really sorry from the bottom of my heart to all the main characters.. I wasnt thinking that time.. I was too overwhelmed by such burden in my heart. THat... I donno. I felt lost for a moment...

Now that i came to my senses. Its time for me to. Know the truth abt my life. The people around me. And the people who claim they love me..

I am 20 years old. Years have passed. Alot of obstacles. Ups and downs. And yet. Still over the same matter.. I dont understand why i have such stupid big huge horrendous problems with guys, relationships. And friends.

I understand, it could be wit me, My character. My way of thinking. Maybe im just an ironis. Idiotic perhaps? iTS Always a little too late when i realised something..

And now. Im confused.. Why do i get treated in such a way when i believe that i am strong somehow inside me? If i werent strong, i wouldnt pull off such heavy matters in my past.. I would have died a long time ago.. I am still very much alive, til right now.. Why do people take me for granted? Especially those so close to me .. They know what i am like. They understand my split personalities. They understand them very well . And yet they just take it as though I have no heart. No feelings. As if I am made out of nothing..

IT confuses me more when those so very close to my heart did this to me.. I mean. I know i have been a tough kid. I grew up being rebellious, aggressive. All that. Were my past..

And cant someone who has such ugly past turn over a new leaf?

Is it wrong for me to CHange?

People just cant see.. They are blinded by my past. That their hearts are just dead. Stoned. To see the change in me. I feel it. I knew it. Its me.. But til now, only God knows.. HOw much i have sacrificed to see my loved ones breathe, happily now..

20 years.. I think even millions of buckets cannot weigh the amount of tears that i have shed.. The pain that my heart pondered upon.. The cruel things that my mind was fed with.

Those years which finally make me grow into a young lady.. Who is grasping at her roots, trying to sink deeper into her nature, her weaknesses and her strength, and when she knew what she was made of. She fears that people might know.. And wat she fears, came into reality..

Im weak. Im very vulnerable. Insecured. My family knows it.. They knew. D knew. And how hurtful it can be when he just turned away. He can take me for granted.. So can I.. I have the power over my life. Not anione else.. God knows when I will end up.. And all i know. God wants the best for evry of His creations.

So pure.. And yet i took it for granted. I scarred wit my sins. My past. I know. Even wit so much effort to start anew.. That lease of life,, i wouldnt get til afterlife.. I know i have to go through punishment after punishment for evry of my sins. And i have to prepare myself.. Only God knows. Im not afraid of what is to become of me.. But i am deeply afraid of my future...

It is gone before my very own eyes.
3:58 PM