Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Sumtimes, things happen out of our control.
Whenever im sitting down, feeling relaxed n happy, n tot that hey this is the world that i want it to be, the whole thing juz came crashing down in a few seconds.. n I'll be back to square one, where life sux to the core, whr darkness juz engulf u n suffocate u.
This is called a Test.
so many tests in the past 10 years. So many of them. N im so proud to say, Ive been thru quite alot to actually keep on breathing n moving to next stages of advanced tests....
How can u be happy when the people ard u, whom u love so much, stil shed tears?
How can I be happy when i said sumtink which im not supposed to say out loud? Some things r juz meant to be kept, bottled up. Sometimes, its juz soooo wrong to be honest, n not lie. And that sometimes ALWAYS happen to me...........
I feel like asking Why, but I know im forbidden to do so.
Its a sin, coz it shows.. that im not happy or satisfied with the tests given to me by Him..
I believe that He only wants the best for me.... but these tests or obstacles.. they r juz all over me.. til Im not sure whether i can handle it animore.. so heavy... heavier than any burden...
When things r going back to normal, there'll be some frequency that makes it soooo abnormal.
Why cant i stay smiling lyk one idiot, n laughing lyk a hyena all day long, without ending up crying lyk one stupid biatch?
Why must i WASTE so much tears? n til when do i have to forego with the pain?
Oh Princess Nalia is sooooo sad.
always... the story of sadness. When happiness? When I die??
Masya Allah, forgive me.. sumtimes... words juz flow like a tornado of fire.. when anger spreads thru the veins..
I am angry at myself. For watever shit that has happened for the past few days. Ive been slacking like one bitch, n at the same time cracking my brains solving from one prob to another...
One at a time, the probs juz keep on aCCUMulating........
Kenaper lah Din cant juz let me go, n why cant i juz let Din go?
Make him happy, God, find him a gurl who can actually understand who he really is, what he wants. N where he wants to be.... Im juz not strong enuf to be by his side.. His expectations r too high for me to grasp.. for a year i tried to make him happy, i made him mine, he made me his.. All for nothing.. It juz went down the drain.. All of the efforts. The love. The pain. The tears...
nO USE... If he is unhappy being wit me.. and all he wants.. He wants me to be sumone that I can never be.. Im sick n tired of being told to do this n that, to be wat n wat... He juz doesnt deserve me.. Im too bad for him, I guess.. Unlike his ex-s who were sooooo gentle, kind-hearted, more feminine.....
Do i have to be sumone else in order to get someone's love?
He said I have that one thing, that made him didnt want to stay with me.. That one thing; my temper. How much Ive changed. He juz couldnt see that... n still he blamed it on me... when he was the one. who.. juz went off.
And all i need. Is sumone to talk to. But i juz couldnt. I couldnt say it out... Thats when i realised, ive been stupid all along... Acting as tho nutink happened.. as tho im so happy. So comfortable.. so in love..
Which I was. But not for long. Its juz not rite....
12:01 AM
