Wednesday, April 12, 2006
My oh my.. such a long time. I havent had the time to update my blog. It looks kinda dead. Haha.

Now. Where am I? In the library. Im supposed to tutor my tuition kid, but his mom called, telling me to come tomorrow instead. Itz no fun. Im stuck here in the library, doing nutink, wit tears in my eyes (coz of the aircon) n now im updating my blog.

Well. Hols aint that fun. But itz fun coz i get to know my half half better. N school's starting in like a week plus, so im kinda excited. Cant wait to feel stressed n pressurised again. Hahaha. Humans. When there is no stress, they want to feel pressured. N when there is stress, they wish they could somehow disappear.

That is the true meaning of life. Okay. I cant make myself comfortable coz im not at home.

And ma paps coming home tonite. Donno lah. Told him I wanna treat him. Man, I need a bloody vacation, where I can juz relax n ENJOY myself.. But wat to do? THis sat is my last day at work, I've not been going to work.. Coz I donno.. I feel somehow guilty. N i feel a lot better if Im out there somewhere, doing something which I like. Aniway, its not dat they gonna pay me or something. I think ma paps pays me a hell lot beta.

Aniwae, the reason why I work is bcoz I wanna show to my parents dat hey, I've grown, n I can definitely work. So i earned a few bucks, gave a little to them, and let them have a taste of their only daughter's salary. Fullstop. Now my mom is a lot more understanding (maybe coz both of us are getting too old to have those illogical n out of the box arguments). Juz ma paps, who keep on thinking dat I stil cant breathe on my own unless he's around. The actual fact is, I die straightaway whenever he's around. So its the opposite. I donno why n how, but i tend not to talk to ma paps bout my problems animore..

N i kinda miss him actually.. Oh well. Wat does he know? Guys, especially fathers, they have a lot in their minds. To actually have a decent time to spend with their kids. So their kids would miss them hell a lot, but dont dare to bother them, coz we kids have brains that keep on telling us, 'No no. Your parents are working, so you should juz leave them in peace.'

How cool can that be? Oh well. Parents nowadays are too career-minded. N now, we kids are too independent that we usually keep things to ourselves, coz we still have dat sense of maturity, not to disturb our parents (supposedly the ones that we should have the highest respects for, besides God the Almighty) and juz get on wit life, unless we really need them to be by our side.

For my case, I've been a terrible girl all along. A girl who used to rebel coz she juz wanted some attention from her mom n paps. A girl who used to fall sick, coz she juz wanted to give up her life, n not wanting to live animore. Now dat girl has grown out of her bad habits n reputation. Now dat girl has a firmer grip on life, n definitely has regretted wat she had done so far. N dat girl knows, the only way to repent is to change her course of life, n juz be herself.

N now dat girl is here, typing as the world around her lives.

See. It takes time for people to really change to be the best. I am not the best yet, but wat I know, I kinda changed alot.

In da past, things used to 'float' in the air whenever I get irritated. Now, I juz go to the toilet n sink myself into a shower, n juz chill. In da past, I used to scream n yell n rant n cry alot. Now I juz cry alot. Coz, u'll feel a lot beta if u juz wash those sorrows away.

Patience is the best thing in life. Now im quieter than I used to be, whenever it comes to testing my patience. Why be angry when u can actually shut the f**k up n juz do things dat can cool you down? Save energy some more. U wont look dat freaking old too.

Oh. If only I could see how simple life actually is. I mean, I wouldnt have wasted buckets of tears over nothing. Eventually, I only get more hurt n disappointed. I didnt realise how stupid I could be.

Dumb asshole. But too bad. What is past is past. It's over. N gone.

Now, the only thing dat I need to build on is my self-esteem. Long years of sufferings n rebellings have destroyed my confidence to live on. It's kinda hard for me to get on my feet n start anew. Coz the past keeps on haunting me. N this somehow, held me back. I donno why.

Im juz grateful dat I have him by my side. To overcome watever shit dat I had faced all this while. Im so glad my family knows him, though mom wasnt too keen on us being together actually. But she managed a good relationship wit him. In fact, better than I do. I mean, I've never heard mom telling stories bout the time she was a teenager. She shared those stories wit my guy. N it's kinda cool. But I sort of regret, coz I didnt manage to share alot of ma feelings wit mom. Now, we sort of have a sharing thingy.. N i juz love da way it is. Syukur alhamdulillah. Why fear when love is actually still around?

Well... I love him. Im afraid of losing him. But this is life. You juz have to be prepared for the worst. I mean, you cant actually give a whole 200% of love to a guy, who is not your husband (yet).. But wat u can do, is to appreciate his presence, love and honesty.

Coz, if u know how to appreciate that, u will slowly realise the meaning of true love. Love can be painful sometimes, but it is wonderful if both parties know how to make it happen.

Understanding, trust, care n share.. All these are important to our love lives.

It is up to God to make the whole thing happen. It is He who creates us, n to Him, we will all go.

So there. Enuf of my matured stuff. Im kinda bored. So maybe i should play games or sumtink... Get to ya nxt time aite.
6:44 PM