Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Will u ever believe it if someone says to you, I will love til the end. For eternity? For life?

For me, Im not sure. N I dont wanna believe it coz, I've been like cheated countless times, so I juz wanna giv up n carry on wit my life, as hard within me as possible, n i hate myself coz i tend to soften easily.. n cry easily.. n give up easily. When it comes to Love lah.

In other things, i dont usually give up.

haha.

Why Love? Why not anitink else? Coz i dont want to believe in it. I've been so hurt, i didnt believe i could survive the pain. But i managed to hang on, n still breathe.. to stay alive..

but the current is so strong now.. i feel like im being pulled deeper n deeper below.. disallowing me to hold on n breathe for life.

wat is it wit me n my love? Jinxed?

Maybe.. I gave my full heart for dat one guy once. the one guy who destroyed my trust, my confidence, my love.. my evrything. dat one guy, who betrayed my love. Who killed me slowly..

dat one guy.. I wont curse or damned him.. but i would forget him, n remind myself dat he was not there in my past. but evrytime i try to open up my heart n love, it always end badly.. like im cursed. like im not allowed to love anibody.. like i dont deserve to be loved at all..

then i know. I ask for His protection, for His LoVE.. N He's giving me..

He protects me from being hurt.. He protects me wit His immense Love. How cool can it be? I feel so secured. So Loved. BY HIM.

God is fair. He knows who is best for you. For me, my time hasnt come yet. Maybe in da nxt 5 yrs or so..

But wat i know, my heart is shut for da moment. Dead, n cold.
4:00 PM