Sunday, September 18, 2005
Well. Days have passed. Im counting down to the day where I would meet my doctor. It freaks me out. Juz thinking what he would do to me. N wat the results would be. Since I oredi hav a gist of the idea wat it would be like.

Ya Allah. My strength. My patience. My life. It is going thin.

There's this, pain, in my chest. A pain that wouldnt last. A pain that is so heavy, that it kind of, strangling me, n blocking my breathing. Like. Some sort of a heavy thing lying on my chest, stopping my heartbeat. Ya. Sumtink like dat.

N my head. first, it's on the right side. Now it goes to the left, n around back to the rite. like. sumtink piercing my head. my skull. into my brain. raking it up. pulling all my veins, n messing wit them. N yar.. it's like, my vein, on the rite side of my head.. like thickening n throbbing like it's alive or sumtink. n it's like, the vein is gonna burst or sumtink. like this very hurting feeling.

I donno lah. Giv up. Totally. I mean. It's like, wrecked. Yar. Dat sort of feeling. A feeling dat shows, there's a neva-ending to this kind of suffering, n dat, I hav to accept the fact that, this is the long-term effect of neva-lasting pain. Years of sufferings, n being tortured like an animal, in this cage. It's painstaking.

N here I am. Waiting. N still counting. N juz waiting. For it to end. I donno when. Or where. Or how. BUT wat I know is dat, it is still happening, it is still there, n it is still nerve-wrecking.

I've been crying alot. I've been acting weird. Strange. Im not myself. Im not Me. N im afraid. N I dont want to be near my fwenz. Or cuzzies. Or my loved ones. Coz. Im juz not myself.

Ya. I am not Me. N im scared of myself. Of wat I can do, of wat i am capable of doing, of wat i am able to do..

I am. Afraid. Of my life. Of God. Of Me.

Why am I acting this way? Why cant I stop crying? Why cant i juz forget abt what had happened n move on wit life.. Like the others out there.. Like. Yar.

I cant be myself. I hav to get out. FAST. Soon. Can I get out? will i be able to free myself from this pain..
4:30 PM