Thursday, September 01, 2005
I feel shitty..

Even though i've taken my medicine..

For 3 days aku 'terlantar' kat hospital..

It felt like 100 years or sumtink..

And I felt so.. Good when my lovers came to make me smile and laugh and terkencet..

haha..

Haiz.. My blood sistaz.. I juz miss them like hell.. I love them freaking much.. and i juz hope this sista-ship will last forever and ever.. till our deaths invite us..

I am feeling very weak.. I am worried that i cant make it for my exams.. what would my teacher say? aiyoh... it hurts.. my head hurts.. i wanna study.. but it's so limited that i find it very difficult to focus.. so weak..

will i ever get well in this kind of environment that i am living in?

the day i got home.. was so 'touching' that it destroys my already shredded heart.. it hurts so damn bad, that i juz wanna die and leave them all in peace.. sumtimes i wonder, whether my death will bring happiness to them.. sometimes i just wonder, whether they feel the pain that i am enduring at this very moment.. sometimes, i juz wonder, whether i will live that long...

day by day... my strength thins.. and i hate myself for that..

i juz have to get out soon.. or else.. i'll die a freakish death.. i dont want that..

i am juz afraid to love..

coz my heart is already dead..

but my mind..

my mind is still alive..

very alive that i wont give up til i get what i dreamt for and that i will work till i get it.. til i get out of this house and make all of them smile and cry with happiness.. that's what they want.. that's what i will give..

for now.. God, please give me the strength to go on for juz a little while.. give me the strength and patience to face it all,, and finish whatever i have not done..

i dont wanna flunk my exams.. and i wont..

coz i have faith in myself..

and in Allah swt..

Amin..
3:39 AM